


Devil in Dad's House

by Antarctic_Echoes



Series: Luciferian Fics (One shots) [6]
Category: Lucifer (TV)
Genre: Devil-blessed Communion Wine, Friendship, Gen, Humor, Naked Lucifer
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-11-23
Updated: 2016-11-23
Packaged: 2018-09-01 15:05:44
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,542
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8628943
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Antarctic_Echoes/pseuds/Antarctic_Echoes
Summary: A missing scene from Episode S2x08.What happened when Ella took Lucifer to church?A very short one-shot.





	

**Author's Note:**

  * For [ScooterThyme](https://archiveofourown.org/users/ScooterThyme/gifts).



> This is dedicated to my most excellent beta, ScooterThyme, who gave me this fantastic plot bunny! Thank you!! And thank you so much for also beta-ing this at such short notice -- you rock!! And you come up fantastic titles and tags, too!!
> 
>  
> 
> Disclaimer: Lucifer Morningstar and Ella Lopez are owned by Vertigo Comics, DC Comics, Neil Gaiman, Mike Carey, and everyone else involved with the Lucifer TV show and comic books. I own nothing and make no money on this. I merely am borrowing the characters for... uh... writing practice.

 

 

Lucifer Morningstar had not been inside a church for many, many years -- well, outside of investigating a murder and a drug ring, as well as enabling confessors' sins.

He knew he had to go inside, but he didn’t want to.  Uneasiness skittered up and down his spine as he stared up at the huge, intimidating structure looming up before him like some stone behemoth belonging to Dad.  He had promised Ella he’d accompany her in order to fulfill his end of the deal, and had met her at the front of St. Brennan’s Catholic Church.  After asking her if she was sure this was what she wanted, he had chased after a woman parishioner as an excuse to walk to the doors.  But when he got there, he stopped dead in his tracks.  He really didn’t want to go inside.

“Come on, Lucifer!”  Ella grabbed his arm and dragged him through the large wooden double doors.

No lightning bolts, no mobs with torches and pitchforks, just... people milling about.  Ella dipped her fingers in the holy water close by and made the sign of the cross, while Lucifer watched on with amusement.  He was tempted to stick his finger in and unbless the water, but his companion had already grabbed his arm and dragged him forward.  

“Right.  Listen, Ella, maybe this isn’t such a good idea after all --”

“Come on, Lucifer!  You promised!  We can sit at the back, if you’re nervous.  But you really need a one-on-one with the Big Guy,” Ella said cheerfully.  Lucifer cocked his head and raised a skeptical eyebrow at her.

Service wasn’t set to start for another fifteen minutes; Lucifer soon grew bored.  Fidgeting nervously, he finally excused himself on the pretense of stretching his legs.  He slipped out of the main sanctuary and wandered over the grounds to the side door.  Slipping in, he wondered if there might be a kitchen.  He was a little hungry....

He found a bottle of wine sitting on a table in an alcove, along with a goblet and some wafers on a plate.  No one was paying any attention to him, so he quickly ate all the wafers, but they were horribly dry.  Grabbing the goblet, he filled it with wine and took a swig.  

“Bloody hell!” he muttered to himself as he spit the wine back into the goblet, then poured it back into the bottle.  That was the worst wine he had ever tasted!  He would definitely have to tell the priest to invest in some decent wine... maybe make a few recommendations.

“Lucifer!  Lucifer!”  He heard Ella calling from outside, and dashed out to meet her.

“Sorry, darling, I was just looking around -- “

“Come on, we’re going to be late!” the dark-haired woman said as she grabbed his arm and dragged him back into the main sanctuary.

They took their places on the bloody hard pew just as the service began.  It was horribly boring, and the readings made him laugh aloud.  Some of the humans around him turned and glared, but he didn’t care.  He smirked and shook his head about the incredible inaccuracy of the book from which they were reading.  It wasn’t until one of the lectors read, “2 Corinthians 4:6:  For God, who said, ‘Let light shine out of darkness,’ made his light shine in our hearts to give us the light of the knowledge of God’s glory displayed in the face of Christ,” that Lucifer finally found something worth commenting on.

“Oh come on, light shining out of darkness?  God’s glory displayed in the face of Christ?  No, no, no.  Come now, if you really want to see glory, a shining light as it were, then you _must_ look at this!” he cried, and whipped off his clothes, proudly showing off his wedding tackle.  He easily hopped up on the pew and rotated so that everyone could see him.  “I mean, just look at my light, my glorious splendor! Surely it will lead you wherever you want to go!  Even straight to Hell, if you wish!”

The crowd screamed and parents went scrambling to cover the eyes of their fascinated children, although Lucifer couldn’t understand why.  After all, the children _should_ see what perfection truly looked like, so that they would have something to aspire to!  

Ella tapped him on the leg, drawing his attention.  “Dude, come on, this is church.  You can’t flash everyone in church.”

“Oh.  Right.”  Disappointed, Lucifer sat back down and dressed.

The priest, who was looking whiter than the tablecloth covering the altar, fanned himself before clearing his throat and starting the Liturgy of the Eucharist.  Lucifer saw the goblet and wine, and sat up with interest.  Surely the priest wasn’t going to serve such awful wine to the humans, was he?  The fallen angel congratulated himself on not drinking it all -- he had spit most of it back into the bottle.  Maybe his Devil saliva would make it taste better... give it a little flavor.  He smiled as he thought of how grateful the priest would be.

And oh, they had found more of those dreadfully dry wafers!  Everyone was going to choke on them.  He definitely had to get the priest to invest in some Oreos or Chips Ahoy cookies or something....

The priest continued his mad rambling while Lucifer leaned back in the pew.  He watched with boredom as people sang atrocious tunes, stood, then sat, then kneeled, then sat, then stood again.  

“Bloody hell, make up your mind!” he snapped as they sat, then stood again.  His companion merely elbowed him in the ribs.

Then suddenly everyone was standing and saying “Peace be with you,” and shaking hands.  Ella tried to shake the Devil’s hand, but he kept his hands in his pockets.  A few people tried to hug him, but he leaned away and said with an uncomfortable smile, “I’m all for sleeping with you humans, but this ‘peace be with you’ nonsense is quite off-putting.”

“You’re supposed to shake hands with them,” Ella whispered kindly.

“No, thank you.”  He made a face as he sat back down before everyone else did.

More mad rambling from the congregation grated terribly on Lucifer’s nerves before everyone started filing up to the altar.

Ella got up and looked at him.  “You coming?”

“Why?” he asked as he watched the people get fed the dry wafers and his backwash wine.  “Those wafers are dreadful.  Just dreadful!”

Ella gave him a weird look.  “Okay, that’s fine.  If you haven’t been baptized, you’re not supposed to go up anyway.  I take it... you haven’t been baptized?”

Lucifer just laughed.  “Me?  Baptized?  Ha!  As if I would let that charlatan anywhere near me!”

“Which charlatan?  The priest?” his companion asked, with a confused look on her face.

“No -- John, that arrogant prick!”  

“Ohhhh I get it, John the Baptist!  Wow, you never break character, do you?” she said with admiration as she stepped around him to get in line.  

Once she came back and everyone had eaten their dry wafers and terrible wine, the priest began making last minute announcements, and a plate full of money came around.  

“Oooh!  Are they handing out money?” Lucifer asked with excitement as he took a handful of bills out of the plate.  Ella slapped his hand, forcing him to drop the money, then passed the plate on after throwing a few dollars in.  

“You know that money goes directly into feeding the priests’ dirty little habits, don’t you?” he asked her.  She shrugged and gave him a smile.

“Nah, the Big Guy would punish them if they used it for themselves,” she said brightly.

Lucifer shook his head at her naivete as they rose to their feet and started shuffling out with the rest of the crowd.  “Dad doesn’t do his own dirty work -- he sends them to me.  Trust me, I know what those priests do in their spare time.”

“Yeah, right,” Ella said with a laugh.

When they went outside, Lucifer took a deep breath of the cool night air.  “Bloody hell, I thought I was going to pass out from all that bloody foul incense in there.”

His companion laughed and said, “Thank you for coming with me, Lucifer.”

“Believe me, I would never have stepped foot in there had it not been for our deal.”

“Yeah, well... you really should come again.  I know the Big Guy wants to build a better relationship with you.”  She gave him a big hug, which had him stiffening up in her embrace and awkwardly patting her back.  As quick as a hummingbird, she dashed off with a wave.  “Thanks, Lucifer!  See you tomorrow!”

The Devil waved back automatically, then started when he realized he had raised his hand to the cheery woman.  Laughing at himself, he took off walking toward his car.  It had definitely been an odd experience, going into Dad’s house of worship without having people chase him out with torches and pitchforks.  It wasn’t something he’d repeat, but at least now he felt like the weight of debt had been lifted from his shoulders.

Taking a deep breath, he prepared himself for the next meeting he had.  Amenadiel was waiting for him at the flat....  



End file.
